This week I had an experience. I died.
Okay, not really. It was a simulation. But if it had been real, I would be dead. My whole class was shoved into this little room as soon as we got there. No explanation or anything. We tried to open the door, only to find they had locked us in. (Mentors are cruel, truly cruel.) Eventually our captors slipped a note under the door telling us that we had to choose one person to execute and the rest of us would be let free. So we chose someone. Another note was slipped under the door. They lied to us. Now we had to choose one person to go free and live and the rest of us would die. After a long debate we chose someone.
During this whole thing my natural instincts are telling me to escape! There is a window, lets get out! There are swords on the wall, let's pick the lock and fight our way out! But I shut myself up, reminding myself that it was a simulation and my mentors were in charge and wanted us to learn something from this. So I let myself and all my friends die. I did it willingly.
Let's just say we failed the simulation. (At least by my terms.) After I felt rather guilty so like the crazy person I am, I wrote something.
I Died Today
I died today. Not because I had to. Not because I wanted to. Not because I didn't want to either. I died today. I didn't die for anything. Actually, my death was a total waste. Nothing was gained, and everything was lost.
My friends died today. Not because they had to. Not because they wanted to. Not because they didn't want to either. They died today. They didn't die for much of anything. Actually, it was a total waste. Nothing was gained, and everything was lost.
We died today because I didn't stand.
I sat there, almost totally silent. Jumping in only now and then, to agree or disagree slightly with someone else. I let us die. I didn't do anything about it. I saved one, but was it worth it? I don't think so.
I denied myself today. I became another person. An evil, selfish, good intending person. I became a victim of my fear of failure and rejection; and because of that fear I failed miserably.
Why?
Because I let my fear of failure drag us down. I didn't listen to myself. To everything I knew to be right and true. Because I did nothing. Because, for a split second, I forgot who I was, who my friends were, and who the enemy was. But more than that, I forgot to ask for God's help.
I could have saved us. I could have done something, anything. You all would have followed me. But I sat there, sending my friends to their deaths and waiting for my own. I followed the crowd. I followed failure into the darkness. I denied myself and everything I love and know.
I let us down today. I let you, me, and God down today. Not because I had to. Not because I wanted to. But because I forgot, only for a moment, who we really are. I should have lead us out of danger. I should have done what was right. But I didn't. I didn't.
We died today. Because we forgot who we really are. We denied ourselves today. And because we did, everything we love, including each other, has died.
The world is less because you didn't do that one thing. Because you died. Because you were afraid to live.
- Missy N
Anyway, kinda depressing. But I learned an important lesson. Bad things happen when I don't listen to the promptings I receive. I don't want to die. Not like that. For nothing. Knowing that I could have saved people, brought people to Christ, and didn't! Ouch, that hurts!
Don't die. If you feel like you should do something, do it! Or else the world will be less than it could have been.
My goal this year is to be open, to listen, to act, and to be myself.
Will you act when the call is given?
Missy, The happy Friend
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